So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
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Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
This fish is cracking me up
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come