Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.