T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
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Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known