Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.