Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
They did not miss in the small print
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF