My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
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Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.