but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
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Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie