*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
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End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.