Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
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cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
No. He’s not coming out to play
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.