i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
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Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.