[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
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BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Close call…
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
starting a garage orchestra
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind