Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
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*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Terribly Tuesday.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.