Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
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Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?