Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
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Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.