her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
You Might Also Like
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Owl Sanctuary
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
#SuperBowl
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?