Donating blood today to make room for more food
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Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate