“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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I’m Sold!
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.