Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
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Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts