The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.