zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
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*power walks to the refrigerator*
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
This is hilarious….
Lmbo
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.