If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
You Might Also Like
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
this could fix me
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you