[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
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My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
She: I like Cats
He:
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.