Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
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I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My daily affirmation
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?