Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
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Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
mariah carrie
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.