My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
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where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
*me flirting
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary