What fresh Hell is this?!?
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I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
are they though??
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this