My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
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Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Ken is short for chicken
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I feel it
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉