set yourself free xox
You Might Also Like
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
just gave your address to some spiders
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.