Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
You Might Also Like
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
PARKOUR
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.