Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
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the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..