ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
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Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
BETRAYAL
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.