cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
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5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.