I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
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My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Its a hippotatomus
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]