My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
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I put the h in mysterious.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography