Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
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Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
A game married people play.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines