MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
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Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!