I’m just playing devils avocado here
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My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.