I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
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I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
i choose….tongue
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
figuring out my emotional availability:
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.