Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
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Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying