“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
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What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Investing in beetcoin
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time