Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
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[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.