In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
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Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.