Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
You Might Also Like
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.