*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Just a friendly reminder!
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.