*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
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They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating