Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
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Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]