What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
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So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
just pretend nothing happened
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.