Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
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[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Sending in my taxes
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.