“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
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If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Just got to our Airbnb!
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.