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I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
fair
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Buck naked
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered